How A Sex Nerd Talks To Her Kiddos About Sex

Though using the words "penis" and "vagina" instead of "winkie" and "privates" is a good start, I can't help but think that we can do better. On a daily basis, I get to be newly reminded by how little understanding people have about their own bodies. It's hard to bring up the next generation knowledgeable about sex, pleasure, and their own anatomy when the ones teaching it really don't understand. Check out these attempts of adults to label reproductive anatomy if you need any proof!

I have tried to make the "sex talk" a conversation that started when my boys started noticing that they have penises (I have only boys). My oldest, at six years old, could probably tell you more about how babies are made than a lot of teenagers. I talked to teenage girl once who honestly asked me after looking at the plastic pelvis model, "So, exactly how many holes do I have down there?". Seriously. That's not happening on my watch.

In this ongoing, and often comical, conversation with my boys, I've learned some basic rules for talking to little kids about pleasure, function and reproduction.

Here's what I've learned about how to have these talks:

1. When they have a question about sex/reproduction, I try to start the discussion by asking what made them ask the question. Then I can better figure out what type of answer is needed.

2. Keep things as honest but simple as possible (mostly… see below).

3. No shaming or suggesting guilt associated with sexuality.

4. Suggest "private time" instead of "don't do that".

5. When they're little and you see them playing with themselves, mention it, and acknowledge that they do it because it feels good. Give them words for understanding that function of their body.

6. I teach about the similar little girl parts as I teach them about their very own parts.

7. I make sure I introduce the variabilities so that they already start to have an understanding that being gay and being transgender is normal for some kids and adults. I'm hoping that lays a pretty natural foundation for compassion without having that barrier of misunderstanding that comes from ignorance.

8. I have persistent and curious kids who don't often let a vague answer slide by. If questions go past what I want to share with them at this point in their lives, I go for the super nerdy, anatomical, scientific version of the explanation until their eyes cross and they stop asking questions.

9. I always talk about consent with them and how they have the right to their own bodies. Even little things like when they're upset and I want to hug them, I try to ask them first to make sure my hug is welcome (sometimes it's not). My hope is that they'll understand that just because I want to hug them doesn't mean that it's necessarily what they want, and that it's okay and their feelings are to be respected.

Here's the basic content that I cover with them: 

While it may seem to some a little crazy to teach a 3 year old about a clitoris (especially when there are still women out there who don't know where to find their own), I think it's kind of critical for understanding about sex and relationships as adults. It's just setting good foundational understanding for their own bodies and understanding that there's a parallel process going on for little girls. Girls don't lack the ability to have the pleasure of playing with themselves because they don't have a penis, they just have different bits that feel equally good.

For example, being progressive and teaching "Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina" with the proper anatomical terms is great. However, those parts are not really functionally analogous for little kids. What is a penis to a boy? It pees. It feels good to play with. It has a curious way of getting bigger and smaller. None of those things are what a vagina does. Girls don't pee out of their vagina and the little feel-good-wiggles and rubbing that little girls do are not vaginal, they're clitoral.

My approach is to teach functional similarities. Boys and girls both store urine in bladders and pee out of urethras. A boy's urethra happens to be in his penis and that's why he can pee standing. A girl's urethra is in her vulva but it is in front of her vagina and that's why little girls squat or sit to pee.

Testicles and ovaries make a nice teaching pair, of course. Ovaries are the factories where mommy's egg are made. Testicles are the factories where daddy's sperm are made. Use a really cool video to show fertilization. You can even keep it on mute and explain it yourself with video game sounds and name the sperm pirate names. The kiddos get the idea.


The penis has the big function of "feeling good when it's played with" and that's actually like what a little girl's clitoris and vulva do. Similar functions in similar locations. No big deal. They even all get bigger when they are played with!

Babies grow in the mommy's uterus to make her tummy big and then come out of her vagina. They easily understand that babies grow in mommy's tummy because they've seen pregnant women or pictures of mommy when she was pregnant with them. Actually using the words "uterus" and "placenta" can be a way to make "mommy's tummy" a thing that they can actually see on an anatomy chart and start to understand how it works. When looking at a diagram like the one below, it's fairly self-explanatory that the vagina is the exit for the baby.

Both boys and girls have anuses, that's an easy similarity. And poop is always funny with little boys. So are farts. This is an easy one and often gets them off topic if you're looking for an exit from the conversation.

The trickier part, perhaps, is the part you have to figure out for yourself. Understanding your own personal philosophies about sexuality and what you wish to teach about the relationship part of it is a more personal choice for parents. It's kind of important that we all do our work to know what is true for us (not just passing forward the hang-ups we were given) and start thinking about how we can convey our own message. 

The anatomy and function is the easy part. That part doesn't really change no matter how we feel about it!

When kids start asking more questions about the specifics than what you're prepared to answer (like my oldest trying really hard to get me to explain the entire method in which the sperm gets from daddy to mommy within a few months after baby brother was born), I go for a few different options.

1. If possible, I go for more information than necessary and make it super scientific and boring. For example: "Mommy, can I see what a vagina looks like?". I say, SURE!! And I show them an anatomy image.

It's accurate, honest, and entirely boring and usually ends questioning in our household.

2. Go with an answer that just flat out admits, "Yes. You are right. There's more to the story, but you have to be at least ____ years old to learn that part. Stay tuned!" We did that at age 4. then he asked again at 6 and could tell me the whole process with only that one tiny detail left out and really wanted to know how it happened. We pulled up the anatomical pictures (like the one above) of the female pelvis and one of the male pelvis and I let him figure out from what he knows of his own body and what he's learned of the fertilization process and he figured it out without much prompting. Then he realized that it meant that two grown ups had to have their pants off in close proximity to each other and started cracking up. "That's so weird!!!". Yup. It is. Only adults do such weird things, son. You don't have to worry about it for a very long time.

3. I find a way to segway into talking about the amazingness of another body system, like digestion… which creates poop… and poop is always a crowd pleaser in our house.

In summary...
Educate yourself so you'll be prepared for the questions kids ask. Remember, this isn't dirty stuff. If you can talk about how blood flows through the body or how air goes in and out of our lungs, you can talk about how mammals' reproductive systems work. If they ask questions that are pretty detailed, ask them how they came up with that question to see where they are coming from to better steer what type of an answer is needed in the situation. It's so good for them to get the right info from you before they get the wrong info somewhere else.

More resources for talking to your kids about sex: 
www.scarleteen.com  For every question you could image your kid asking about sex/gender/relationships/periods/anything. It's a great resource to give your teen kiddo. 
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/parents/talking-kids-about-sex-sexuality This has some good suggestions and little videos with some stats on why it's important to be able to talk to your kids about sex. 
http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Sex_education_primary_school_children For more information on talking to primary school kids about sex and what to address and when. 
http://www.tulsakids.com/January-2012/Age-Appropriate-Books-to-talk-to-your-Kids-about-Sex/ I have not read any of these books, but if this is something you are looking for, there are some nice suggestions of some books to check out for little kids. 

Chickens, Whales, and Parenting Sons.

Disclaimer: I am not a man. It's possible that this fact may skew my view on this topic.

I have sons. Though in kindergarten, my oldest son is only 3 years younger than I was when I saw a porno at a friend's house after school one day. It was, of course, something I KNEW my parents would not approve of, however it seemed that even in third grade, one was not cool until they had seen at least 2 seconds of an adult movie. I still remember that confused feeling as well as the exact scene quite vividly. It was this world of adulthood that I did not know existed. I had certainly never envisioned THAT as what sex was. Even now, I still don't think real sex looks much like what I saw that day. As a little girl, it was kind of a novelty and certainly not something that I was interested in seeing again. Through my early sexual development, visual images just weren't high on my list of things to get me going. And though it's not true of all women, I think that it is a place where we definitely differ from men. Women are likely to be pushed over the edge into orgasm by imagining that special person nuzzling into our hair and whispering their undying affection and need for us. We imagine the passionate touch and the desire. Men, on the other hand, seem to have a mental "spank bank" of graphic images or memories.

After my blog, "Touch Yourself More Often", I got into a discussion with a reader about masturbation and if it is helpful or harmful for relationships and intimacy. Being a woman who is very open about my personal sexuality, I see it as very helpful in my ability to relate to my husband and to understand how my body works. But this reader had a different take. He's of the generation about 10 years younger than me who grew up with internet access readily available. Any images fantasized or dreamed of can be instantly pulled up with a simple search. So, the idea of masturbation to him, conjures images of his friends who have a hard time with porn addictions. Just last week I saw this article, "Did porn warp me forever" (shared by Dr. Jenn), and it made me recall that conversation. I don't really have strong feelings about porn and I certainly am not trying to take a position on if it's GOOD or BAD in this blog. If you're interested in a smart opinion on that, check this out: TED talk discussing porn. It's out there and easily accessible by our kids so what's the point in having that debate? Instead, I think it's something that needs to be discussed with our children so that they don't think they've just found Pandora's Box (which I'm sure is a porno) with internet porn.

But how am I going to approach this with MY sons? I am very sure that they will always seem like precious babies to me. I feel comfortable discussing normal, healthy sex, sexual response, body image, communication, gender, sexuality, even different types of sex, and how to be respectful of their partners. However, addressing a subject which carries acknowledgement that mommy knows about the deep depths of messed up crap that can be found on the internet... that's harder. But I understand that the brain is still forming and neural pathways are being created with new input. To me, that makes it imperative to inform them that what they feed their brains in their formative years will have effects on their relationships, marriages, and families in the future. That's heavy. But isn't that what we have to do as parents? We help our children form their lenses through which they see the world. We can discuss with them the many alternatives but we are always trying to show them the healthiest ways through this world.

Maybe we need a good catchphrase that can just be thrown around nonchalantly, but the meaning is understood... something like "You can't ride two horses with one ass". Any ideas?


In addition to helping our children figure out how to keep their minds healthy, we also need to help them learn how to keep their bodies healthy. Part of that is sexual education as well. Maybe your son will be part of the 1-5% of boys who don't masturbate... but chances are, he's going to figure it out. There's a concept known as the "death grip" that Dan Savage discusses and he makes a really good point. Discussing the implications of how one masturbates is something else that will make a difference in their sexual relationships later in life. The basic concept is that when boys grow up masturbating with a really tight grip and don't change up their style, they become really trained to orgasm with that single type of stimulation. The problem with that is that the grip is far tighter and more specific than any vagina (or anus) is going to be. Therefore, when having sexual relationships, it can be alarming for these guys to realize that they can't come during intercourse and of course, that doesn't really help their partners' esteem either.

Surely there's somehow this can be phrased to a 12 year old boy to make him get it while not being overtly "in his business".

Possibly (these will be horrible. I recommend you stop reading now)...

For more on talking to teens and young adults about sex, masturbation, body image, etc., check out Scarleteen. It is a GREAT resource.

Also, here's a presentation done for high school students about porn and sexting. Gareth's blog is also a good resource for adolescent sex education.