Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Noisy Vaginas

Recently, my very favorite pelvic blogger, Pelvic Guru, posted an article about how to avoid queefing during a Pilates class. The gist of it is that if you breathe in a way to decrease the suction force when your pelvis is elevated, then you can avoid getting the air in that will eventually lead to the queef. Then, my dear Pelvic Guru even followed it up with the awesomeness of this article which has possibly my favorite conclusion ever. Check this out:
"Conclusion. Low age, low body mass index, and vaginal delivery can affect the incidence of a noisy vagina."
 I. Love. Research. Noisy Vagina Research especially

But this reminded me of something!

A woman asked me the other day about "that weird fart thing that happens during sex sometimes". So when I read this article, it made me wonder if those same concepts could apply to sex. Could we possibly use a breathing strategy that avoids allowing air into our vaginas during sex? I'm guessing that more than likely it's not going to work for a couple reasons:

  • Too much thinking required and sex is more about shutting off that thinking part of the brain.
  • Even if you did use the breathing technique to assume the position, I'm guessing that any penetrative thrusting is going to still allow air to be sucked into the vagina. 

The useful part of this article when applying it to sex is the explanation of the suction mechanism for how air gets in there to begin with. If the pelvis is higher than the ribcage, suction can be created to pull air into the vagina. If vaginal flatulence during sex is very embarrassing to you and you'd like to avoid it here's my breakdown of this for you:

1. Start noticing which positions seem to cause it. If you want to get ultra nerdy, journal it if you want (PLEASE share the results with me, if you do!) If you want to get ultra nerdy with this, check out the spreadsheets app. You can track your sex stats including volume which could maybe give you some sort of queef reading!

2. Find your pattern of queefiness.

3. Analyze the positions that were used before the queef occurred. Does the theory that "pelvis above ribcage" seem to hold true for sex as it allegedly does for Pilates?

4. Work on your pelvic floor strength! Not sure how to do this? Find a pelvic PT. Those pelvic floor muscles can help you keep some air out during high-queef-risk activities. Practice with yoga poses like bridges and inversions to test the theory on yourself.

5. If not, skip the rest of this list and see below.

6. If so, try to change the position a little the next time and see if a difference is made. For example, if you were having sex "doggie style" and you bent down to put your elbows on the mattress, maybe try keeping your upper body higher and bringing your knees apart a little more to lower your pelvis if that dynamic works for your partner okay.

But really...

If this seems like too much work, then I suggest the "compliments to the chef" methodology and just laugh it off. Because honestly, queefs are kind of awesomely hilarious. Possibly even high-five worthy if you were really putting in some good work with the pelvis up high.

Conclusion: If you can't outsmart the queef, 
own the hell out of it. 

*And seriously, if you get any data on this, send it my way! :)

For more fun on a more regular basis, join me on FB where we can discuss and share things that other people write as well!

Saturday, October 12, 2013

When Things Just Aren't Working Like You Planned

Erectile Dysfunction... End of the world, or at least your sex life, right?

Think again!!

Here are some clips of conversations that we don't always hear from women in movies or TV. But these are all comments on themes I hear with some regularity.

"The best sex I have ever had was with a man who couldn't get an erection."

"I like sex with men, but sex with women is just so incredible because it's not all about the goal of getting PENIS IN VAGINA... there's more freedom, more flow, and not so much pressure to have an orgasm so that he can have his orgasm."

"My husband and I have great sex now, but he hasn't been able to have an erection since his prostate cancer. He's a much better lover now."

"Sex was great... until he started taking Viagra. And now it's just all about his erection without any care about if I'm actually feeling it or not"

"The number one way for me to not have an orgasm, is to try to get me to have an orgasm. I don't do well with goals. As soon as I have pressure to 'perform', I can't get there anymore"

"I really like having sex but lately it really hurts... I don't want to tell him because I don't want him to feel like he's hurting me, and then not want to have sex anymore. And if I tell him now, he's going to feel bad that I've been keeping it from him for so long."

"I just try to make it sound like I'm really into it and do anything I can to make him finish faster because it hurts but I want him to enjoy himself."

What men may not realize is that there's this mentality with women... though we know intellectually that it's right, we don't actually always believe that:


We've become a little conditioned to feel like sex is something that we "give" to our partners and so we tend to grin and bear it at times to make it a pleasurable experience for our partner. The crazy thing is that we often know that our partner would not want us to be having the experience we are having... that's why we cover it up and don't tell. Even if it doesn't happen every time, sometimes things are just not working for us either.

Though there are many reasons for women to have sexual pain (I'm not trying to say they are all simple, but some of them are really quite fixable with some simple changes) one is lack of lubrication. Here's a quick physiology lesson... Women's lubrication comes increased blood flow to the genitals which make the tissues around the vagina swell, and we sweat moisture through our vaginal walls creating wetness and lubrication. Our vulvas actually swell and get puffy because we have an internal erection of the clitoris. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes we having arousal issues too but it's not as visible as yours. But it's important to for us all to understand that.

We don't have to work perfectly all the time. A woman's lubrication and level of excitation of her vulva might be better and worse at various parts of sexual fun, so why on earth should she expect a man to have a perfect performance without waiver every time? She doesn't (or shouldn't). And men shouldn't either. I know personally that the worst thing that can happen for a woman's arousal to function optimally is to put pressure on her to do so. The same can be true for men. If you are having a hard time with an erection... don't sweat it. Just find something else to do. There's a good chance it will be just as enjoyable.

Here's another consideration about not being able to get an erection at times when you wish you could. Check out this great little clip from this article:
"Why is impotence an achievement?
There are few greater sources of shame for a man, or feelings of rejection for his partner. The real problem with impotence is the blow to the self-esteem of both parties.
We are grievously mistaken in our interpretation. Impotence is the strangely troublesome fruit of reason and kindness intruding on the free flow of animal impulses, of our new inclination to wonder what another might be feeling and then to identify with his or her potential objections to our invasive or unsatisfactory demands.
All but the least self-aware among us will sometimes be struck by how distasteful our desire for sex can seem to someone else, how peculiar and physically off-putting our flesh may be, and how unwanted our caresses. An advanced capacity for love and tenderness can ironically render us too sensitive to try to pester anyone else into having sex with us, although now and then we may cross paths with individuals who are not appalled by our longing for urgent and forceful sexual congress, and who see nothing disgusting in even the farthest erotic extremes. 
Impotence is at base, then, a symptom of respect, a fear of causing displeasure through the imposition of our own desires or the inability to satisfy our partner's needs—a civilized worry that we will disappoint or upset others. It is an asset that should be valued as evidence of an achievement of the ethical imagination." 
A few tips for dealing with this gracefully (for either of you):

  • Sex does not have to be a linear progression (like rounding the bases for a home run). Let it ebb and flow and climax when things are grooving just right. Enjoy the ride.  
  • Don't comment on each other's lack of response. "Wow, you really can't get it up." is not helpful. Neither is "Geez, you're really dry down there". 
  • Don't take it personally. It just doesn't help matters. 
  • Remember, men, it's not all about your rock hard penis
  • Have lubricant available and don't hesitate to reapply it as needed - for either of you.
  • COMMUNICATE. If something doesn't feel good, suggest a change of position or activity. If some really does feel good, make sure you communicate that. Words, sounds, body language, it's all communication. Just keep it authentic and not a performance of how you think you should be acting during sex.
  • Stay connected to your body to be honest with yourself about what's working for you and what's not.
  • Stay connected to your partner to be able to play of each other's reactions and pleasure, but also to catch early signs of discomfort.
  • Have a big repertoire of fun things to do, with many that don't involve penetration.
  • Always make PLEASURE the goal in the moment. Avoid goal-oriented sex to take the pressure off of performance. You just might find that you end up performing better. 
  • Breathe. Relax. Have fun. Laugh even. Sex is awesome. Don't let it be less awesome just because there's a temporary difficulty. 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

10 Ways to Be Intimate With A Woman Who Loves Sex

Assuming that a woman wants to have sex with anyone who may offer just because she's sexual or it is known that she enjoys sex, is a pretty lousy assumption. Here's why just throwing out a "Hey, want to screw? You like to have sex, right?" (or some equally smooth derivation of that sentiment) is a bad idea:

If a person REALLY likes wine, are you going to offer them a $5 bottle of white zinfandel? NO! Because if someone really likes something, they are probably aware of the "good stuff" and don't really have much of a taste for the low quality stuff anymore.

Same with chocolate... once you get to a point of love and appreciation for something that is pleasurable to the senses... you're in it for the experience, not just a fix.

That considered, here's how to get into the glorious space of intimacy with a very sexual woman.

1. Become masterful in your creation of anticipation. Do not ever forget that a woman's largest sexual organ is her brain. If you want to turn on a sexual woman, don't miss the opportunity to grant her what she wants most... to feel the slow burning of desire carefully crafted by a skillful conversation, looks, touches... all of it. It's not luck, it's art. It's play. It's amazing. But most importantly, it shows how responsive you are to her thoughts. It shows how you can read what stimulates her. It allows her to figure out if you're worth it.

2. Consent, consent, consent.  Body language must be read and followed. Having a conversation about sex, boundaries, likes, dislikes is really a stellar idea if you want to really maximize your potential for sexual awesomeness. It doesn't need to be done directly before sex, but having that conversation at some point can only be helpful and create a more fulfilling opportunity should it happen to arise. Her trusting you to give her what she wants and her desire to give you want you want largely derives from the consensual understanding of how you treat each other. That begins with your verbal and nonverbal conversation.

3. You are not likely needed for her to have an incredibly sensational orgasm. She can probably do that beautifully on her own. You need to offer something novel into her experience. Make her want to know what sort of magic can be created when the two of you connect. Be someone with whom she desires to have in her world.

4. Acknowledge and protect her boundaries. If she doesn't trust you with her boundaries, there's an undertone of self-protection that isn't helpful for trying to let go and fully indulging in the sexual experience with you. And more than likely, you won't want to miss out on everything she's got to offer... so create the safe space for her to be all she can be.

5. Do not judge her for her lack of inhibition. She will respect your boundaries if you disclose them. If her mind freely wanders and she asks for something crazy and off the wall in the heat of things, don't judge it. Roll with it. If it doesn't cross your boundaries and you're feeling adventurous, try it. If not, just move on to something else that sounds delicious for both of you.

6. Be sensual. See her. Look at her with eyes that appreciate her uniqueness and at the same time want to devour her. Feel her. Don't rush past the way her skin feels to your fingertips and lips. Smell and taste her. Enjoy that amazing chemistry that is created by a sexually aroused woman. Hear her. Listen to her breath. Live for the sounds she makes when she's coming.

7. Be patient. Be sincere. Be inventive. No routines, please. When she gets started, she doesn't want this to progress in a predictive, linear path. Be bold, change paces, change activities, surprise her. Let your experience end somewhere completely unexpected. And let the next experience start somewhere equally unexpected! Staying in the moment is part of that incredible connection you can feel. Changing up "the moments" keeps the mind more active and attentive to what is happening instead of "oh, and this is what's next in his routine... i could use a glass of wine right now".

8. It's not the end of the world if you don't have a rock hard cock. In fact, some amazing sex can be had with women and men who can't get erections at all. So, let go of your hard-on-ego and show her you're more than that. Think of it as a chance for uncharted territory in the bedroom. Hell, take it on as a challenge regardless of if you have an erection or not... see what interesting new things you may discover.

9. She knows that sex is supposed to feel good. She's not likely to "grin and bear it" if something is really not working for her and she doesn't expect you to either. Make a promise that the shared energy of bliss is much more important than any act that might be done. There are 8,000 fun things to try, don't take it as an ego-blow if one of them isn't working for one of you at some point.

10. Don't expect her to take care of your ego. Understand that every initiation attempt you make does not necessarily need to lead to sex.  Allow her the freedom to prefer to talk (or have that fabulous glass of wine) without feeling rejected. Giving her the space to say "no" without feeling like she's hurting your feelings also gives her the space to really say YES! YES! YES! when she wants to.

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