When Things Just Aren't Working Like You Planned

Erectile Dysfunction... End of the world, or at least your sex life, right?

Think again!!

Here are some clips of conversations that we don't always hear from women in movies or TV. But these are all comments on themes I hear with some regularity.

"The best sex I have ever had was with a man who couldn't get an erection."

"I like sex with men, but sex with women is just so incredible because it's not all about the goal of getting PENIS IN VAGINA... there's more freedom, more flow, and not so much pressure to have an orgasm so that he can have his orgasm."

"My husband and I have great sex now, but he hasn't been able to have an erection since his prostate cancer. He's a much better lover now."

"Sex was great... until he started taking Viagra. And now it's just all about his erection without any care about if I'm actually feeling it or not"

"The number one way for me to not have an orgasm, is to try to get me to have an orgasm. I don't do well with goals. As soon as I have pressure to 'perform', I can't get there anymore"

"I really like having sex but lately it really hurts... I don't want to tell him because I don't want him to feel like he's hurting me, and then not want to have sex anymore. And if I tell him now, he's going to feel bad that I've been keeping it from him for so long."

"I just try to make it sound like I'm really into it and do anything I can to make him finish faster because it hurts but I want him to enjoy himself."

What men may not realize is that there's this mentality with women... though we know intellectually that it's right, we don't actually always believe that:

SEX SHOULD FEEL GOOD

We've become a little conditioned to feel like sex is something that we "give" to our partners and so we tend to grin and bear it at times to make it a pleasurable experience for our partner. The crazy thing is that we often know that our partner would not want us to be having the experience we are having... that's why we cover it up and don't tell. Even if it doesn't happen every time, sometimes things are just not working for us either.

Though there are many reasons for women to have sexual pain (I'm not trying to say they are all simple, but some of them are really quite fixable with some simple changes) one is lack of lubrication. Here's a quick physiology lesson... Women's lubrication comes increased blood flow to the genitals which make the tissues around the vagina swell, and we sweat moisture through our vaginal walls creating wetness and lubrication. Our vulvas actually swell and get puffy because we have an internal erection of the clitoris. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes we having arousal issues too but it's not as visible as yours. But it's important to for us all to understand that.

We don't have to work perfectly all the time. A woman's lubrication and level of excitation of her vulva might be better and worse at various parts of sexual fun, so why on earth should she expect a man to have a perfect performance without waiver every time? She doesn't (or shouldn't). And men shouldn't either. I know personally that the worst thing that can happen for a woman's arousal to function optimally is to put pressure on her to do so. The same can be true for men. If you are having a hard time with an erection... don't sweat it. Just find something else to do. There's a good chance it will be just as enjoyable.

Here's another consideration about not being able to get an erection at times when you wish you could. Check out this great little clip from this article:

"Why is impotence an achievement?

There are few greater sources of shame for a man, or feelings of rejection for his partner. The real problem with impotence is the blow to the self-esteem of both parties.
We are grievously mistaken in our interpretation. Impotence is the strangely troublesome fruit of reason and kindness intruding on the free flow of animal impulses, of our new inclination to wonder what another might be feeling and then to identify with his or her potential objections to our invasive or unsatisfactory demands. 

All but the least self-aware among us will sometimes be struck by how distasteful our desire for sex can seem to someone else, how peculiar and physically off-putting our flesh may be, and how unwanted our caresses. An advanced capacity for love and tenderness can ironically render us too sensitive to try to pester anyone else into having sex with us, although now and then we may cross paths with individuals who are not appalled by our longing for urgent and forceful sexual congress, and who see nothing disgusting in even the farthest erotic extremes. 

Impotence is at base, then, a symptom of respect, a fear of causing displeasure through the imposition of our own desires or the inability to satisfy our partner's needs—a civilized worry that we will disappoint or upset others. It is an asset that should be valued as evidence of an achievement of the ethical imagination." 

A few tips for dealing with this gracefully (for either of you):

• Sex does not have to be a linear progression (like rounding the bases for a home run). Let it ebb and flow and climax when things are grooving just right. Enjoy the ride.  
• Don't comment on each other's lack of response. "Wow, you really can't get it up." is not helpful. Neither is "Geez, you're really dry down there". 
• Don't take it personally. It just doesn't help matters. 
• Remember, men, it's not all about your rock hard penis. 
• Have lubricant available and don't hesitate to reapply it as needed - for either of you.
• COMMUNICATE. If something doesn't feel good, suggest a change of position or activity. If some really does feel good, make sure you communicate that. Words, sounds, body language, it's all communication. Just keep it authentic and not a performance of how you think you should be acting during sex.
• Stay connected to your body to be honest with yourself about what's working for you and what's not.
• Stay connected to your partner to be able to play of each other's reactions and pleasure, but also to catch early signs of discomfort.
• Have a big repertoire of fun things to do, with many that don't involve penetration.
• Always make PLEASURE the goal in the moment. Avoid goal-oriented sex to take the pressure off of performance. You just might find that you end up performing better. 
• Breathe. Relax. Have fun. Laugh even. Sex is awesome. Don't let it be less awesome just because there's a temporary difficulty.